Tag: relationships

Him vs. Her – A New Chapter

~ ~M ~ 19 Comments

For the last two years now, I have been very unsure about the future of my marriage.  The past sort of caught up with my husband and the present sort of caught up with me.  Needless to say, we were both at fault in different ways.  About four months ago, I had finally gotten to the point where I decided I was tired of trying.  In my mind, I just sort of gave up and decided it was time to figure out plan B.  I started picturing my life without him.  Wondering what I would do apart from him and where I would go.  We still have two children at home, so that was of course another concern of mine.  What would happen to them if we split up, how would we work it all out?  And yet I could never actually see us getting to the point of divorce.  I really couldn’t even fathom the idea of such a drastic decision.

After admitting to my husband that I didn’t think I could continue on the way things were, he in turn seemed to agree.  And yet divorce was the furthest thing from his mind.  His immediate response was to somehow fix what was broken in our marriage and strengthen the parts which looked salvageable.  For four months now, he has been trying very hard to turn things around.  I have to admit, I haven’t made things easy.  I have fought him every bit of the way, by not really believing any of what he’s been saying.  After years of empty promises, I didn’t want to allow myself to be tricked again.

His first response was to begin by writing me poetry; which is something he had never done in his entire life.  I remember reading the words he wrote during those first few months and thinking to myself… “He can’t really mean any of this.”  I thought… “This is just another one of his schemes to make me believe him, but it’s not going to last.” Over the years he would say he would try harder, but there was never any long lasting changes to support his efforts.  It was mostly just cheap talk and I knew I didn’t want to fall for that again.  I was finally ready to move on and I didn’t want to get sucked back into a life of false hopes.

Well it’s been four months now since he’s started blogging.  And I think the turning point for me was when he wrote this… Heart of Sadness.  Since then, I have begun to believe that he is truly being sincere.  He finally seems to understand and acknowledge how I’ve been feeling.  We tell each other everything, but I had often wondered if he was really hearing me.  I wasn’t sure if he understood that I didn’t feel the same kind of love for him anymore.  I wondered if he could live with that fact, or if it would ultimately destroy our marriage.  Yet the more we talked, the more I knew he understood, and he told me very sweetly that he just wanted me to be happy.

I suppose because he isn’t demanding my love, I am slowly finding my way back to him.  We have been making immense progress, and I am finally accepting that he really is changing for the better.  I’m starting to believe him when he tells me he loves me, and I’m hopeful once more that we can make our marriage work.  We will be celebrating our 23rd wedding anniversary on the 5th of February and I’m excited to get away for a few days and just have some time alone with him.  We’ve literally spent half our lives together now, and both of us know that we can’t just throw all of that away.  I honestly just can’t picture my life without him, and I hope I never can.

So to my husband… aka, SW.  I have hope that we will make it, TTF…… ❤️  Love always, ~Me

 

You will always be my treasured friend…

~ ~M ~ 2 Comments

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I thought I’d lost someone today.  Someone who has filled a void in my heart, like nobody else ever has.  I can’t imagine going through the rest of my life without this sweet person.  They mean the world to me and have become my closest and most trusted confidant.  I have never had a friend quite like this particular one, and the thought of losing them left me feeling heartbroken. 

I tried to go about my day as usual, but eventually the tears erupted for the millionth time and I could no longer hold back how terrible I felt.  My hubby tried to console me, tried to reassure me that I hadn’t lost them.  And yet I’m still not quite sure where I stand. 

My daughter Autumn came up to me this morning and asked me what she should draw for art class.  Thinking about how happy this friend of mine has always made me feel, I told her to draw what makes her the happiest.  A little while later, she brought back this picture of me and her.  It was the sweetest gesture and a drawing I will always treasure, because happiness to her, means her and me together.   

Happiness is always about having those special people in our lives that mean the most to us.  We cannot even hope for anything better.  So to my dear friend C… If you by chance happen to read this.  You will always be a treasured friend to me and I love you as if you are part of my family.  I prayed my whole life for somebody like you, so please don’t ever forget how much you mean to me. 

 

Love, ~M  xoxo

Twenty-five things I learned in 2016…

~ ~M ~ 18 Comments

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With the New Year approaching, I started thinking about the list of things I learned in 2015, and thought I should do another list for this year as well.  So without further ado… here’s what I came up with.

 

Twenty-five things I’ve learned over the past year.

I’ve learned…

1.) How important it is to set aside time to read.

2.) To just be myself and not worry what others might think about me.

3.) Not to hold anything back when it comes to love.

4.) That random acts of kindness are good for the soul.

5.) To never give up on someone.

6.) That my girls really are as crazy as I am.

7.) That I enjoy macaroni and cheese entirely too much.

8.) To be more understanding.

9.) That going to the gym isn’t entirely overrated.

10.) That I enjoy having time alone.

11.) What it feels like to be told that you may have cancer.

12.) How hard it is to recover from loneliness.

13.) Not to push people beyond what they are comfortable with.

14.) That I have a heart for people who need to be cared for.

15.) That I like to have plenty of time to plan ahead.

16.) How having a brightly painted room, can completely altar one’s perspective.

17.) How much I love homemade chai tea.

18.) How girly I really am.

19.) That my house can be messy and I don’t really care.

20.) How a single note both good or bad can affect my entire day.

21.) How quiet my house really is with only two daughters living here instead of four.

22.) That I can’t eat tomatoes or anything spicy anymore without consequences.

23.) That really good job opportunities are extremely rare nowadays.

24.) How in just a few short months, my daughters can be married and gone.

25.) The importance of a true and trusted friend.

 

How about you?  What have you learned over this past year or over the course of your lifetime?

Gif credit: happynewyear2017facebook.com

Oh the joys of children…

~ ~M ~ 23 Comments

Don’t get me wrong here, I love my girls to the moon and back.  However, I’ve come to the conclusion, that the reason most parents don’t warn their own children about having babies, is simply because they realize that if they do, the human population would eventually cease to exist.

It’s not so much about the infant or toddler years.  Heck, even the grammar school age is fairly simple.  But the teenage years and a little beyond that….. Yes, those are the years I should have been forewarned about!  Plus, parents don’t warn their children about having kids, because they have to be able to get even somehow!  Lol….

Anyway, my children are driving me insane right now, and if God doesn’t intervene soon, I may not make it through the end of this month!  I am dealing with a wedding this week.  Yes, my second oldest this time around.  And if my two oldest daughters can’t be civil with one another, I fear I may not survive!

Just a few more weeks…. I’m home free after December 31st!  Hope I last that long!  😉

 

On the subject of cheating…

~ ~M ~ 28 Comments

Today was a bit of a somber day for the attendees at our local church.  It appears that our pastor resigned because of his unfaithfulness to his wife.  I am a member of this church, but no longer a regular attender.  I have found organized religion to be very frustrating at times and so I don’t go as often as I used to.  I enjoy my quiet time at home, worshipping God in my own way, without the distractions from others.

It seems that the majority of church goers these days, are generally just there to keep up with appearances.  To me, being a believer is more than just putting on a fake smile and acting as if I’m living a good morally correct life.  I don’t need the acceptance of others, and I don’t care if the world loves me without question.  God should be the only person who I look to for acceptance.  As long as He loves me, I figure I’m good to go, and the Bible plainly states He does, so there’s no doubt in my mind about that.

I do attend church for my children’s sake, because they are home schooled and they like to attend in order to see their friends on Sunday mornings.  But still… it isn’t on a regular basis.  I used to feel guilty when I would miss a Sunday, but that all changed for me over the years.  I started to see the true colors of the people who were there, and it simply broke my heart because of what I witnessed.  This isn’t the first church I have attended where things like this have happened and I suppose over the extent of my life, I have just become tired of all the drama.

I can almost guarantee, that after what happened today, half the church will leave and move on to other churches.  Each one will feel so disappointed by what they have learned, because of the indiscretions of our head pastor, they just won’t be able to find peace within those walls anymore.  And yet, if we could see the hearts of every individual that attends the church, I bet at least three quarters of them have cheated on their spouses before; at least in their thoughts.  The thing is, the only difference is, they haven’t gotten caught, and their true desires aren’t seen.  We begin to judge people before we even think about our own thoughts and the way we’ve been behaving ourselves.

I myself, have never had a physical affair, nor do I intend to, but the thought has crossed my mind plenty of times.  And given the opportunity, I honestly can’t say for sure what I would do.  To even admit to this, would probably get me kicked out of the church, and yet many others are thinking the very same thing.  I believe none of us are free from the temptations that surround us on a daily basis, and this is the reason that so many of us fail at being obedient and living Godly lives.  Even now, my heart has not been in a good place lately.  I find myself longing for things, which I should never even consider, and yet I still do.

This topic has been thoroughly discussed in my own marriage.  My husband knows that I am struggling to be completely devoted to him and we are trying to work through the problems that we are currently facing.  I am not ashamed to admit this, because I know that I am not the only one who is dealing with this kind of situation.  I have been very unhappy in my relationship and it has led me down some very tempting pathways.

I honestly don’t think that we are any different from the millions of other Christian couples out there.  I am tired of people being shamed for things, when really we should be building them back up, and helping them fix the problems that they are facing.  Belittling others doesn’t solve anything and expecting a pastor to be any different than anyone else is completely absurd.  We are all sinners and we all struggle, whether we care to admit it or not.

So today, I am feeling sorry for my pastor and his wife.  Sorry because apparently their marriage was failing and they couldn’t seem to fix what was broken.  It takes two people to make a marriage work, so I will not take sides.  I can only hope and pray, that they will now find their way through this mess that they are dealing with, and I think the hardest part will come from the conviction of the church.  They will most likely lose friends, possibly family members who cannot understand.  Their own children may start to take sides.  Who knows…. It won’t be pretty I’m sure and I just hope that they will both come out stronger in the end, for all that they have had to endure.

We never know what causes a marriage to crumble and unless we are in that relationship ourselves, I feel we have no right to judge another person’s marriage.  We can offer up helpful solutions and give a word of advice, but even in that, we have to be careful not to overstep our boundaries.  I think the best thing we can do, is just pray and let God handle the situation.  Each of us have enough of our own existing problems to deal with ourselves.