How can I forget?

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I’ve got the past, present, and future all on my mind today. I keep trying to overcome the past, but the present just won’t let me forget, which makes the future look like it’ll just be more of the same. And I’m so tired of thinking about the past. Most days, I wish that somehow I could forget everything, and then perhaps I could overcome and heal from the things that have been weighing heavily on my mind. But no matter what I do, or what I try, I can’t forget the hurts, the struggles, and the reality of my life. I still think that it’s possible to overcome the past, but I think in order to do that, I need to face those issues head-on and stop sweeping them under the rug.

I’ve been on WordPress for five years now, and I have made some amazing friends, but the majority of you don’t really know me. I have been a closed book for a very long time, and that is mainly because I’ve been trying to protect my family and friends from knowing what’s really been going on. Sometimes I feel like it makes things worse to be open and honest with the ones you love. I think most people would say that some things should never be talked about because they are just too hard for most people to handle. But because I’ve been keeping things bottled up, I feel like I’m almost at my breaking point now. I’ve been mostly dealing with everything on my own, with very little support from anyone except a few close friends. And I feel like I don’t even want to tell my close friends everything because I don’t like overwhelming people with my problems. Everyone already has enough to deal with in their own lives, and I don’t want to be the kind of friend who heaps on more. I think this is why I’ve alienated nearly everyone from my life. I’ve been afraid that if I stayed close to anyone, that I might accidentally explode and reveal all of the things that I’ve been trying to work through.

After thinking things over while I was on vacation this month, I feel like I am only doing myself an injustice by not saying anything, and I’m on the verge of baring my heart and soul to everyone. I know I have already lost the majority of the connections with my family and friends, and so I don’t think I could do any more damage than I already have. But at the same time, I am still trying to protect my immediate family from some very damaging issues. I’ve been wanting to see a counselor, and discuss some of these issues there, but I’ve tried to find someone in the past, and our insurance wouldn’t cover the cost of those visits. So I’m sort of in a weird dilemma right now. I feel like I need to start talking about all the things that I should have addressed years ago. I think talking about them, and getting them out in the open is the only way to fix anything. I’m still not sure if writing about all of this on my blog is the best approach, but I need to do something; I just wish I knew what to do.

~M

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17 thoughts on “How can I forget?

  1. I hear you. I struggle with the question of how real is too real when writing my blog as well. A counselor is great if you can afford it, but sometimes it helps just to say it out loud, as it were. If you do decide to bare your soul here, just know that I, for one, will be here reading, probably crying, and feeling grateful that you trusted me with your story, your truth. (hugs)

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    1. Awww… thank you for reading my post and for leaving such a heartfelt response. We all struggle at some point in our lives; some more than others. It does help to say it out loud, and I felt a lot better after writing this. I write down a lot of my daily thoughts and even though most don’t ever make it to my blog, it’s still the best way I know to help myself.

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  2. I think you are starting to head in the right direction. I know all too well how trying to keep quite others won’t be hurt, is. It will literally take from your life though. You will be bound up in all that wants out. I know this, personally, has been my struggle.
    I need to talk about it all.
    I might still go see a therapist to but I am not sure. Like you, I insurance doesn’t cover it I can’t

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    1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. I am the type of person that needs to be able to openly talk about everything. It’s the only way I can process and overcome anything, and that’s sometimes hard for me because I am not generally around anyone my own age to talk to. I can literally go weeks sometimes without talking to another adult in-person because I mostly stay at home with my children. I hope you can find someone to speak to as well. We all need that from time to time; it’s important.

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  3. I’m not qualified, to advise you on anything Michelle, but I do know, that writing about my life, with all the trials and tribulations, has been healing for me, and people now know all about me, the good, bad, ugly,.I’ve found, I’m like everyone else, life has hurt us all…… anyhow it works for me… but it’s not to say it’ll work you….. Whatever, it’s got to feel right for inner self……All the best my friend…xx

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    1. Thank you Ivor, you always know exactly what to say and I appreciate that so much about you. I am not so much worried about telling my own story, but my struggles include others who could be hurt in the process and so I try to protect all of them the best I can. I don’t really mind sharing the things I’ve done, the good, the bad, the ugly, but if sharing those things will hurt the ones I love because of their involvement, I question whether it is the right thing to do.

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  4. One thing I know about you, M. , is that you are a fantastic writer. I dearly love the introductory paragraph by your photo. “follow the tiny flicker of light, far off in the….” Beautiful. I feel your pain in some of your writings and I become anxious that you are hurting. Life is rough for almost everybody – at least the ones I have met over eighty-five years. Believe me, Sweet Girl, I have had years of “hurt” when the light could barely penetrate. But I always made it by drawing as close to the Light as I could get. Of course, you know my light is Jesus. He has never betrayed me, nor failed to respond to me, but he never magically got me out of my trouble either. You are important to me. I am not suggesting an opinion of whether or not to “sound off” on the blog. If you do, I’m here; if you don’t, I’m here. I am not saying any of this because you should care about “me” but I am an example of people you influence. Those of us who care to write to help others in pain, can only do so after having suffered pain ourselves. You are a blessing in my blogging world. Thank you.

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    1. Oneta, this is one of the most genuine, kind, and thoughtful messages I have ever received, and I feel blessed to know you as well. I know exactly what you’re saying and I do feel better on the days when I put my complete hope and trust in Him. I think that’s the only thing that has saved me all these years and I am not sure how anyone can even hope to get through this life without letting their faith be their ultimate guide. But it’s still easy to get bogged down with the trials of life, regardless. And I’m just praying for more ups than down in the near future. Thank you for always being such an encouragement to me and to everyone else. Have a blessed weekend. ❤️

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  5. Friend, I’m praying for you and that you can find someone to talk to. If you want to talk to a stranger, send me an email through my contact page, and we can email back and forth. Sometimes not being face to face helps.

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